my first 10 miles

subtitled: Me, Myself and I.

sub-subtitled: horoscopes are stupid.

Since my not so hot 8 mile run with Tara (that was 2 weeks ago), I have run twice. The 10K last Monday and then again today. Today was a big deal. My first double-digit run. I did two 5 mile loops near the Bog.

I parked my car and grabbed my iPod, only to discover that the battery was dead. At that point, I realized I forgot to wrap my knee. And I didn’t have my watch. I knew right then it was going to be a looooong 10 miles.

I have no idea where I was during that first loop when everything went south. It was all in my head. I had to run 10 MILES. I’m not ready for that. I’ll never be ready for my half marathon pikermi. And don’t even mention the marathon. What was I thinking? I mean, clearly I wasn’t or I wouldn’t continue to repeat the fact that I am planning on running these races. I wouldn’t have registered. I wouldn’t be spending my money on running gear.

About 1/4 mile before my car, I stopped. I stood on the side of a busy street and spoke to myself out loud.

“You have to work for the things you want. Do you want this or not? You need to figure your shit out, now.”

I got to my car and sat down for a few minutes at least 30 minutes. I really needed to think about what I wanted. It would have been so easy to walk drive away and never come back to this point. By that I mean occasionally running 3-4 miles, and giving up the desire to run longer distances. Was I ready to walk away from my goals? Walk away from this blog and the support I receive? Was I really ready to give up?

As I sat in my car I got a text from Tara saying that she’d received 100% of her fundraising goal for Team in Training. I cried. I cried because the level of support in this community is enough to take my breath away sometimes. I cried because I’m not willing to walk or drive away from my goals. I cried because I’m frustrated. I have a strong dislike of doing my long runs solo. I dislike running solo without my music. I HATE long solo runs with no music. I cried because I HATE battling injuries (even though it’s relatively minor). I cried because I am certifiable member of my generation, as much as I’ve denied it up until this point. (that’s generation “I deserve everything I want because I’m “special” and I want it 5 minutes ago”). I cried because I feel like I’m always tired (can you say anemic?). I cried because I am not a natural runner and I don’t like (and don’t have a good track record with) sticking to things that don’t come easily to me. Yes, I know I’m not alone in that. Knowing that I’m not alone in that feeling doesn’t actually make me feel better. It makes me sad knowing that there are countless people out there giving up on themselves because something is challenging. It makes me want to be one of the ones that doesn’t give up, but it doesn’t make it easier to not give up. I cried because I read my horoscope today and it told me “you can get all the benefit with little effort or expense”. I really don’t like being lied to, even if it’s just by a stupid horoscope (let’s ignore the fact that I actually read it. Embarrassing!) It hit me that I am the only thing standing in my way. Let’s call that part the “Me” and the rest of me is “Myself & I”. Myself and I will be doing some brainstorming tonight about how to kick Me out. Myself and I are tired of how negative Me always is. Myself and I want to go places and see things, but Me is an enormous road block. If we don’t have any better ideas, Myself and I are going to grab some metaphorical dynamite and reduce Me to a pile of rubble.

I got another text while I was in the car. This one from a friend and former classmate that I love very dearly. We were joking about a part of my life that I honestly suck at. I am saying it here, with no pride and in my regular-volume voice, I suck at taking care of my car. I am an irresponsible car owner. One could even go so far as to say terribly irresponsible. The gentle ribbing I received was a balm to my (clearly) fragile psyche. Being able to laugh away the tears is a blessing.

It was a sweet, impeccably timed reminder that I am not perfect (all together now, DUH).

I got out of the car and did my second loop.

‘fessions: still not running regularly

I keep letting life be in charge of things. I keep letting things pile up until I’m out of time for running. This is even after registering for a number of races and spilling the beans about my autumn plans. WHY?!?! Do I want to fail? I’m sure as you-know-what acting like it.

My hip has bothered me. Every run no matter how long or short, it starts to ache in the last ten minutes or so. That leads me to assume that my posture is disintegrating or something. Or else it’s all in my head and I need therapy more than I thought. I’m concerned that my moron GP (because let’s face it, he really is a moron) misdiagnosed an issue with my IT band as being overly tight hamstrings.

I’m holding myself back and I don’t know why. Talking about it isn’t working. Thinking about it isn’t working. Blogging about it isn’t working. Might I have hit the point where I must actually DO something about it? *GASP*

Not running is really interfering with my plans. So why am I not doing it? I need to get out and do at least a mile tonight. I absolutely can’t go to the Firecracker 500o without having run in a week (or more).

I’m already resenting my classes this summer. I think a good even a mediocre run will help me re-center. I’m waiting for an email that will either have good news or not-good news. But either way, news would be welcome. No news is driving me batty.BATTY.

So: new plan. One day at a time/fake it ’til I make it. Pity party over. For realz this time.

Also, please don’t wear Lulu Lemon wear with red velveteen stilettos. It just makes you look confused.

(oops!) I did it again

At some point, I’ll run out of song titles/lyrics in my head. I hope.

I ran again. My pacing is still skewed, but I expected that being my second run after an eternity 3 weeks off. It still felt better than Sunday’s run. I did 1.5k (a little over 9/10 of a mile). If I think about it in terms of miles, I find it incredibly frustrating. Since I have no ability to visualize how far a km is, I prefer to think of it that way. Also, it breaks my goal of 5k by next Wednesday into smaller, more manageable chunks. I like whole numbers. A 5k doesn’t translate into whole number miles.

If there is one thing I’m all about, it’s self-delusion.

Kidding, mostly.

Anyway. I rolled my hamstrings after the run because I could feel them tightening up. Lame. It felt really good. I ended up doing my both of my legs, just-under-my-butt to ankle. My right leg (the problem child) was exponentially more tight than my left. I have no idea why. My best guess: it’s stupid and I hate it. How’s that for letting your inner adolescent have their say? She’s been hanging around a little too much lately, thanks to the injury. She even led a short-lived coup last night when it was time to fold the whites (the worst load of laundry ever).

I’m trying not to push myself too quickly. I just need to be able to run/walk a 5k for next Wednesday. Of course I would prefer to run the thing, but maybe my little Buddy isn’t able to do that. I’m getting really excited about GOTR (not really sure why it won’t let me link directly to the Puget Sound page).

I’ve never considered myself to be a retail therapy shopper, but I have noticed I seem to have an awful lot of running gear piling up. I have one more shirt on its way to me and that’s it. I’m still waiting on my swimsuit, but hopefully it gets here soon as I’m looking forward to going for a swim. The problem with naturally big boobs is finding things that support them correctly. Which as of yet seems beyond the reach of the US retailers I’m familiar with, including Title 9, which I find utterly disappointing. Maybe we kicked the Brits out too hastily? 😉

put the polenta in the oven

And went for a short run.

see Buddha floating by my thumb? Also, this pic was ridiculously hard to take. I'm special like that.

I need to get myself back to the 5K mark by the middle of next week. I am not going to let my little running Buddy down! I did one short little kilometer. I tried to behave myself and go slow, but at some point you have to cut yourself some slack. So I did my km at about a 9:35/mi pace, and full-out sprinted the last 100 meters. I know you’re dying to know what is most sore.

It’s my cheeks from grinning like a fool the whole way!

swim suit season

It’s nearly upon us me. I already have the lounging around, basted in SPF variety but I ordered myself a suit for actually swimming. Pools only, can’t stand the idea of somethings touching me when I swim. *shudder* I’m really excited to smell like chlorine again.

I swam competitively until the summer before I started high school. I smile every time I try to reconcile that with the fact that I spent my first swim lessons sitting on the side of the pool crying because I was convinced I would drown. I quit swimming because I thought I was too fat. That might be my biggest regret ever. Not to say that I haven’t done plenty of stupid things since then, but every other stupid choice I’ve ever made has had a lesson to learn from it at least those that I can remember. Thinking I was too fat to swim (Hello! Extra fluff helps you float!!) has no lesson. It’s just really sad. News flash to my 14 year-old self: if you are fat, than so am I since we’re the same size. I think my figure is probably more feminine and shapely than yours, but pound-for-pound we’re the same. Because you know we haven’t grown since, like what, 7th grade?

While my chances of lettering in swimming are long past (whatevs), I can go back to the watery embrace of my First Exercise Love while my Current Flame and I continue to take a break. Today marks 2 weeks of not running. Did I really used to run? Miles at a time? No stopping? Up and down hills? I guess I’ll take your word for it. I’ve already hit the mental point where it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I’m not getting down about it, though. I’ve been wrapping my thigh, and rolling my hamstrings. Icing when I remember. This weekend was TURBO SPRING CLEAN (aka work off nervous energy about starting classes again), so I didn’t do too much resting. But life goes on.

Girls on the Run is still looking for 10 more Puget Sound area volunteers aka Running Buddies. If you’re interested let me know! There are many schools involved and it’s 3 days, no more than a couple of hours at a time. And maybe you can help prevent a little girl from thinking she’s too fat to join the high school swimming team follow her dreams or passions.

coulda gone better

But it could have gone worse. 32154913216846132168461 (read: 3) x-rays later, and dear old Doc isn’t sure. Can you hear that? It’s my eye twitching. He thinks I might have “irritated” some tendons or torn some cartilage. Oh, really? My tendons are irritated? Join the gee-dee crowd.

He did encourage me to start biking and walking, as long as there is no pain. Well, walking hurts. Anything over about 1/2 a mile causes me to hobble. Not great. He didn’t recommend a visit to a PT, but I’m going to get a foam roller and work on stretching out my leg muscles. If my tendons are irritated (the poor little dears), maybe that can help them chill the bleep out. He didn’t recommend anti-inflammatories which is good since I don’t like taking them anyway. Besides, RICE takes care of the pain faster than a little white pill, with the bonus being it doesn’t destroy the lining of my stomach.

Without even knowing how my knee will react to biking, I’m already daydreaming of doing the STP. Which of course, is a ridiculous idea. Biking is supposed to be a recovery plan and I’m thinking about riding 200 miles in 2 days.

Lord help me, because I have clearly lost my mind.